Understanding Bipolar

17 years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression. As I only ever went to my GP for help when I was depressed and, although I knew I never felt quite right during my "up times" as I called them, I never felt I had a good enough reason to seek help when I felt happy. I had been prescriped different types of anti-depressant over the years, none of which had worked. They did lift the depression but due to my conditon not being diagnosed correctly, they would push me into a manic phase. I would then become so ecstatic and outgoing that I would forget how ill I felt when I was depressed, and wonder why I even went on anti-depressants in the first place.

18 months ago I went into a manic episode after being prescribed anti-depressants. I separated from my husband, came off the medication and was totally out of control. I spent a lot of money on things I couldnt afford such as holidays and going out socialising. I made a lot of "so called" friends who I now know only wanted me around for entertainment, as they said I made them laugh all the time. I would not sleep for 4 nights, take 2 hours nap on the fifth day then repeat the 4 night routine again. I didnt eat and only drank for 6 weeks at the start of this episode, thinking I was able to live without food and for some strange reason I saw this as some sort of major achievement.

As I was coming to the end of the episode I started to realise that all this was not normal behaviour and began to feel extremely frustrated with myself for not being able to lead a normal life. I became so highly energised that I was no longer able to stop myself from snapping at people when they said something that annoyed me, and the more manic I became the more people annoyed me. I realise now that being manic, I needed more stimulation than they were able to provide, as I remember being bored in peoples company, thinking that I was quicker thinking more fun to be around.

I reached my peak of mania about 10 months ago when I argued with a friend who had irritated me, and that was when the awful crash came. I went straight into a depressive episode, and as I had lost faith in anti-depressants and knew that this was all the GP would do for me, I made the terrible mistake of not seeking help. It was the worst time of my life and things became so awful, that I could not function at all. Not only was I feeling extremely sad and hopeless, but basic everyday activities, that we all take for granted when feeling well, were excrutiatingly painful for me. Even getting out of bed, putting on clothes, brushing my teeth and combing my hair were so difficult that I would need to rest for hours between doing each one, and to have a conversation with someone just gave me a headache.

To begin with I tried to push myself to do these things thinking I would feel better in the end but they just left me feeling utterly exhausted and instead of getting easier each day, these activities became more and more difficult. Feeling so exhausted and finding walking and talking to people painful, i lost all desire to go out or even live life. I then became isolated and lost most of my friends.

I remember feeling so ill that i couldn't face waking up to another day, and guilty that I couldn't look after my family but even more guilty that they had to look after me. I then began to think irrationally and came to the conclusion that everyone would be better off If I ended my life.

At the time I saw it as a win-win situation. Not only could I be free from the pain, but they could also be free from looking after me. I started planning ways of comitting suicide and finally, one day in October last year, I decided to lock myself in the kitchen, and gas myself. As I was about to tape the doors up, an awful feeling came over me, telling me this was wrong and if I did this I would be punished for it after death. I stopped there and then and phoned 999. They sent an ambulance to me within 5 minutes and I havent looked back since.

I know many people do not want to face the fact that they are bipolar but I have to say that for me, it was a major relief to find out there was a reason for my behaviour that was out of my control without the correct treatment. Even though its still early days for me and I am only just beginning my journey of recovery, I am now receiving excellent support and the knowledge that I will become well and lead a normal life, has given me hope for the future and a desire to live again.